written in my third week of freedom from smoking and originally posted on december 2, 2001, and describes how running into someone you used to smoke with can be a trigger that makes you want to smoke again.

unexpected trigger

2009 January 9

last night, i was recording a recital (my nephew's ex-girlfriend is finishing her master's in music education, and one of the requirements of her degree program is to present a full-length performance recital and submit a recording of it for the school's archives - and yes, i realize that this parenthetical aside probably raises more questions than it answers, but it's pretty complicated, and does nothing to help set the scene, so...).

did she think i won the "addict’s lottery" and was magically released from the slavery of my addiction? where do they sell tickets for this?

at the intermission, i was approached by a young lady i first met about a year and a half ago; we've only seen each other a few times since then, but there seems to be a mutual attraction between us (maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part; she's gorgeous, fun to be with, and probably 15 or 20 years younger than me - of course i'd like to think that she's attracted to me too...). i hadn't noticed her before this, and i wouldn't have expected to see her there, but there she was.

she came up to me and said hi, and asked me if i wanted to go outside for a smoke. i couldn't believe how much i wanted to do just that (the urge was almost as strong as what i'd felt during the first two or three days of my quit), but i declined, and told her i don't smoke any more.

she seemed disappointed, but said "good for you!", and as she turned to go, she made a comment to the effect that she "wasn't that lucky" (i can't recall exactly what she said; i was still kind of reeling from the strength of the urge that her invitation caused, but this morning it occurred to me to wonder what she meant - did she think i won the "addict's lottery" and was magically released from the slavery of my addiction? where do they sell tickets for this? does she buy one each week, hoping to get lucky enough to be released from her addiction?).

after the recital was finished and i was driving home, i thought what a pity it would be if she actually was attracted to me; i find her incredibly attractive, but i can't imagine having a relationship with somebody who smokes (although i realize that lots of non-smokers and ex-smokers do have such relationships, i know i'm not ready to face that kind of temptation right now, and i may never be).

as strange as it seems, i found myself hoping that she's not actually attracted to me, or at least that i never find out about it...

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2 responses leave one →
  1. 2006 July 14
    anonymous permalink

    Kevin,

    It IS possible that she could quit smoking too! And then they lived happily ever after.

    Could happen right? Anyway, thanks for the great site.

  2. 2009 January 9

    note: the comment above was left on the original tale at the date and time indicated.

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